Because You Didn't Bring My Ramen!
by Tyrannitor
Summary: One-shot (that may or not become a full story). Ahsoka Tano was forced to return to the Jedi Temple by the appearance of a man who shouldn't exist; either in this time or this universe. And yet, the Force guides her to a surprising series of events... (Semi-crack. Features a Naruto who renounces The Log.)


**A/N: This is a Star Wars/Star Wars KOTOR/Naruto crossover set in 19 BBY. The only change is that Ahsoka has been banished from the Jedi Order for at least six months at the time of Chancellor Palpatine's rescue.**

* * *

The distant hum of the hyperdrive made the silence in the dimly lit cabin sound oppressive. Her partner was casually fiddling around with a datapad, writing a piece of code that was likely beyond her comprehension (even with her formal education in the field); but the tension in his shoulders showed that he was aware of her state of mind.

She looked out of the windshield to the queue of ships ahead of her. The current method of entry to the surface had been refined and optimized over thousands of years… and it still took them hours to get through.

As she waited, the Togrutan once again asked herself if she was doing the right thing. It was a question she had been asking herself on and off ever since she had met her companion less than two standard months ago. And each time she asked the question, she received the same… Forceful… tug in return.

Despite herself, a smile twitched her lips. Evidently her ally's terrible sense of humor had rubbed off on her.

"Welcome to Coruscant's entry queue." A mechanical voice startled her out of her reverie. Evidently, they had moved to the front of the queue while she had been lost in her thoughts. "Please provide your ship's identification and your reason for visiting Coruscant."

She looked away from the hologram of the protocol droid and at her partner uncertainly. He returned her gaze and gestured for her to answer, even though he was the ship's captain.

She cleared her throat and leaned forward. "This is former Jedi Padawan Ahsoka Tano aboard the Fire Shadow." She rattled off the last recognition code she had received prior to her expulsion from the Jedi Order. "I have some urgent information for the Jedi Council."

"Running voice recognition… Match found. Redirecting your communication to the Jedi Temple. Welcome to Coruscant, and enjoy your stay," the mechanical voice droned.

The hologram went dark, and her partner stared at it as intently as she did. He had given up all pretenses of fiddling around with the datapad, even as he remained uncharacteristically silent.

A few seconds later the hologram lit up again with the regulator-covered face of a Kel Dorian she was quite familiar with. "Is that you, little 'soka?"

She thought she was ready to face the people from her past. But Ahsoka was caught off guard by the rush of emotions at the face of the man who had changed her life.

However, she didn't let any of her feelings show. She may no longer have been a Jedi (Padawan or otherwise), but keeping a perfect poker face was a skill that hadn't atrophied. After a long moment, she replied neutrally. "Master Koon."

There was a significant pause on the other side of the conversation as well. "I assume you are not here to return to us?"

"No." Ahsoka hated how her voice cracked at that single word.

Plo Koon's face and body language were immaculate, but somehow his demeanor radiated guilt. "I see." After a few moments he said, "I've approved your entry to the surface. You're free to park inside the Temple's hangar."

Ahsoka nodded once, not trusting her voice with any diction.

After another awkward pause, the Kel Dorian said, "I'll see you soon."

The hologram winked out.

Ahsoka stared at the now-inactive holo-projector. Her companion had silently taken over the controls and was expertly navigating their entry into the atmosphere of the capital planet-city of the Republic.

She looked out of the windshield at the once-familiar landscape, the rush of buildings causing her to have flashbacks of her times in her starfighter, often with SkyGuy next to her. He would wordlessly initiate a race, and win more often than not. But the few times she had won, he'd had the audacity to lecture her on how racing was not appropriate behavior for a Jedi Knight.

She realized that she was smiling at the memory, and immediately blanked her face. But her partner had noticed the expression, and his own features had relaxed.

She felt a rush of gratitude towards him for not mentioning her emotional state. She knew that the Jedi Order didn't have all the answers, but undoing a lifetime of conditioning was impossible. He knew she struggled daily about what to feel and what to show, so for him to accept her as she was felt liberating.

Then again, his own story was insane enough that she still didn't believe it entirely.

They finally parked his sleek black-and-orange ship in the hangar next to the Jedi Temple. He secured the landing pads magnetically, and performed a final systems check as the ship powered down. Ahsoka undid her safety harness and stretched as she waited for her partner to be done. She knew she was delaying the inevitable, but she selfishly took every moment she could.

After a minute the hum of the engine died away. Her partner got up, stretched as well, and made an 'after you' motion. She rolled her eyes at his chivalrous gesture, but knew from prior experience that he would refuse to leave until she had, so she stepped out of the cabin and off the ship.

As she walked out from the hangar and turned towards the Jedi Temple, her steps slowed and she came to a complete stop. Nostalgia threatened to overwhelm her as she stared at the large structure she had called 'home' with pain in her eyes.

She was peripherally aware that her human partner was behind her. She could see the concern in his bright blue eyes out of the corner of her eyes. Uncharacteristically, though, he stayed silent. He hadn't said a word since they had dropped into the queue for entry to Coruscant.

After a long moment filled with hurt, shame and regret, she shook off her memories and walked purposefully towards the Temple once more. The time for second-guessing her decision was over.

Since the last time she was here, she was slightly taller, her montrals were longer and her gait was stronger; but the changes in her went beyond skin deep. There was a steely look in her eyes that had never been present as a Padawan, even when she had been the leader of a squadron in the Clone Wars. The set of her shoulders was that of a woman who had shouldered a great burden, and found herself equal to it.

She walked into the Temple with her partner next to her, and walked up to the greeting party that waited for her. There were only three, but all three had been instrumental for her development during her time here. There was Master Plo Koon, obviously; he had been the one to discover her potential and bring her to the temple at the age of three. There was Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, who had been a mentor and a second Master to her. And the third person made her smile a bittersweet smile as she walked up to them. "Skyguy," she greeted with a tone of amusement.

"Snips," Anakin Skywalker returned, equally amused. He then looked at her from top to bottom as he took in her appearance. When he spoke again his smile had slipped away, and his voice was an octave lower. "You've changed."

Her posture didn't change, but there was a hint of challenge in her voice as she replied, "For the better."

A wry smile spread across Anakin's face. "It looks good on you." He sounded pained when he said a moment later, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault." Ahsoka wouldn't trivialize the event that has shattered her belief in the Jedi Order by proclaiming 'it's alright'. But it was true that only Anakin had believed in her, and that he had fought for her every step of the way.

She turned to the other two. "Master Koon, Master Kenobi," she greeted with a short nod. Her tone wasn't quite disrespectful, but it clearly wasn't reverent.

They both nodded back, and Ahsoka finally realized something. She looked at the somewhat bedraggled appearance of Anakin and Obi-Wan and asked, "What happened to you two?"

"Oh, you know, beat Count Dooku and rescued the Chancellor while safely crash landing a ship. All in a day's work for Jedi," Anakin said casually, with only the glint in his eye belaying his pride at the accomplishment.

And just like that, Ahsoka was a newly apprenticed Padawan again, astonished and amazed at the latest 'impossible' task her master had accomplished. "Seriously!?"

She turned to Obi-Wan, who nodded even as he pursed his lips. "Yes, we defeated Dooku and rescued Chancellor Palpatine. We were lucky the operation didn't cost us our lives. Something you should acknowledge, Anakin."

"Forgive me, Master. You told me to be more humble about our victories, so I was merely following your instructions," Anakin said this in such an supplicatory tone that Ahsoka nearly giggled.

"You wouldn't know humble if it hit you with a bantha's charge," Kenobi muttered not-quite-under his breath, and this time Ahsoka did giggle.

"You know, this is touching and all, but I have to say that I'm starving. That entry queue really did a number on my poor stomach. Do you guys have ramen in this place?" A cheerful voice interrupted the happy reunion.

The moment broken, Ahsoka's eyes regained that slightly hardened look as she leaned back from the two men.

Neither of the three Jedi had missed her partner's appearance next to her, but now they surveyed him openly. Bright golden hair framed a round face that held a pair of startling blue eyes. He wore a white t-shirt covered by a burnt orange leather jacket, and a pair of black denim trousers was topped by a utility belt. As tall as Anakin, he had moved with the sort of liquid grace that implied he knew how to use his body as a weapon. Overall, his entire appearance screamed 'mercenary'.

Master Koon surveyed him disapprovingly. "The mess is down the hall," he said in a voice that left no doubt as to what he thought about his unwanted guest. He dismissively turned away from the blond mercenary, and said to Ahsoka as he opened his body towards the Master's hall, "Come. We have much to discuss."

He took two steps and stopped when he realized that neither Ahsoka nor the blond mercenary had moved; in fact, they were staring at him with the same unidentifiable gleam in their eyes. After a moment, the blond spoke, his cheerful voice replaced by a clinical tone. "They really haven't changed, have they? Still arrogant enough to assume that their point of view is the only one that matters. My own fault for not believing you, I suppose. I thought that after 4,000 years they would have changed for the better. But Jedi remain as stuck up as ever."

The gazes of the three Jedi narrowed, and then deepened when Ahsoka did not defend them in any way.

"Perhaps insulting your hosts in their home is not the wisest course of action?" Master Kenobi said in his famed 'Negotiator' tone, but the glint in his eyes showed his true feelings on the matter.

The blond casually shrugged. "The man I apprenticed under said that I had as much sense as a *, so you'll have to forgive me," he said with an easy grin.

Anakin had been sizing up her companion since he first saw the man, and he spoke to her without taking his eyes off the man, "Where did you find this idiot?"

There was no insult in his words, no heat. They were simply designed to draw out the desired reaction.

But the reaction wasn't the one Anakin had been expecting.

The blond locked eyes with him, and something passed between the two.

They instinctively recognized each other, understood each other on a fundamental level, because they were the same where it mattered.

The same sense of destiny hung around the two.

They were the kind of men who changed the fate of worlds and galaxies. For better… or for worse.

All this passed in the fraction of a second. Ahsoka was the only one who caught it, she was sure.

Her companion's grin turned feral. "You're the ones who built a Jedi Temple on the ruins of an old Sith Shrine, and I'm the idiot?"

On the face of it the statement was utterly ridiculous. But not one of the Jedi protested it. Perhaps it was the confidence with which the mercenary spoke. Perhaps it was a nudge from the Force. Whatever it was, it left the Jedi exchanging uneasy glances as they instinctively grasped that the mercenary was speaking the truth; after which they studied the mercenary who was clearly far more than he seemed.

"In case it wasn't obvious," Ahsoka interjected quietly, "I'm not the one who has the information you need to hear. He is."

The blond waved lazily, "Yo!" He finished with a bright grin.

* * *

The entire Jedi Council had assembled post haste when the urgent summons had gone out. Most assumed that more information was uncovered in the wake of the Chancellor's rescue.

The result was a full Jedi Council silently staring at her partner while Ahsoka stood next to him.

He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "So is that ramen being brought by a serving droid or…" he trailed off uncertainly.

Ahsoka let her lips twitch visibly. One good thing about being not a Jedi anymore was that she no longer had to hide her amusement.

"You made a few outrageous claims outside. The first that you are four thousand years old, and the second that there is a Sith Shrine buried underneath our feet. We will come to these topics in due course. However, former Padawan Ahsoka Tano mentioned that you had some urgent information. Please tell us who you are and how this information pertains to us." Mace Windu asked him in his sharp voice, his eyes narrowed.

"The name's Uzumaki Naruto, and I was a registered mercenary about four thousand years ago. I'm _not_ four thousand years old myself; technically I'm about… twenty-two twenty-three. I'm not exactly sure, since it got confusing when I was ripped out of my own universe and thrust here. And then the I was caught in a Force storm when Malachor exploded, and I ended up in this time."

There were more than a few raised eyebrows at his proclamation. "At Malachor, before its destruction, you were?" Grand Master Yoda asked Naruto.

He looked strangely at the little green man. " _Yeees_ … I _was_ at _Malachor_ ," he spoke slowly, emphasizing his words as if talking to a crazy person or a little child. Next to him, Ahsoka wasn't feeling quite so amused anymore; but before she could rebuke him for his rudeness he continued. "Man, the Force threw a massive hissy fit when that explosion happened. I mean, after a long ass war and recovery period, the near extinction of the Jedi Order and other crazy stuff, we _finally_ understood what the whole thing was supposed to be about; and then a random crazy droid decided to blow it all up. I think that's why I was thrown forward in time by the Force." Then he spoke more softly, to himself, "I can see why Kreia hated the damn thing."

Not one of the Jedi Masters present could detect a single falsehood, which is why their silence was even more poignant.

Finally, Master Kit Fisto spoke, "If what you say is true, the Force itself is guiding your movements. Extraordinary as your tale seems to be, it seems curious, then, that the Force brought you to one that is no longer a part of the Jedi Order."

Naruto raised his eyebrows, "Or maybe it brought me to exactly the right person I needed to meet, at exactly the right time."

While the master's conferred with each other via glances, Naruto leaned towards Ahsoka and said in a whisper that was far from inaudible, "That's the guy who likes fisting right?"

Ahsoka wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. "That's _Master Fisto_ , you idiot!" she hissed back to the dumb blond next to her; no more softly than he had.

He blinked, and a look of comprehension dawned across his face. " _Ohh_ , that makes so much more sense. 'Cause I thought that the Jedi were all about abstinence and celibacy and all that jazz, and then you told me what I _thought_ was about a guy on the Council who liked fisting-"

" _Shut up!_ " She hissed even more vehemently; she hadn't known it was possible to want to die from sheer embarrassment before today.

"Right, my bad" he whispered, then raised his voice again to include the rest of the room. "Sorry about that, just some… err, miscommunication between me and cutie-pie."

Face burning with mortification, Ahsoka immediately resolved to ignore all future tugs from the Force. The fact that her old Master was openly grinning at her didn't help matters.

Deciding that the distraction was enough, Master Shaak Ti leaned forward, "I'm sorry to cut this short, but we have other matters to attend to. What was your message, Uzumaki?"

"It's Naruto. Uzumaki is my family name; putting it first is a quirk of my planet. As for my message, umm…" he trailed off. He sent a sheepish look to Ahsoka next to him, who really shouldn't have expected better from him.

"Basically, the Jedi Order sucks and you should disband it."

Ahsoka slowly raised a hand and rubbed her forehead. She counted it as a minor victory.

If the Jedi Council was incredulous before, they were absolutely flabbergasted now.

"I… see," Master Kenobi said in a tone that meant that he very clearly did _not_ see.

Naruto was sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "Well… it's all tied together. My appearance right at the start of the Mandalorian Wars, the conclusion of the war, Revan's disappearance, the Sith Shrine, Malachor… It's going to be a long story, but I promise you it's not a waste of time."

There were a few exchanged glances, then Windu leaned forward and took charge. "We can make the time for this."

"Cool!" And then he hesitated and looked around. "I'm not going to get that ramen, am I?"

"Why don't you start with the Sith Shrine?" Kenobi asked him, causing Naruto to mutter under his breath and Ahsoka to subsequently roll her eyes. Why he loved that slop was beyond her.

"Right, so, since it was four millennia ago and everything, what do you guys know about the Mandalorian Wars?"

"We have extensively studied all events that threatened the existence of the Jedi Order, so you will find that all of the masters here have some knowledge of the events you describe," Master Ti spoke softly, since he had seemed to respond positively to her presence.

"Just not enough to learn from them, right?"

There went that theory.

It was even more startling when Ahsoka straightened next to him, wordlessly supporting his controversial stance.

Even though he was insulting them to their faces, not one of the Jedi said a word; such was the suspense they were held under.

"So, a few years before the Mandalorian Wars, there was a-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Masters, but I need to confirm my orders before I leave for Felucia."

Naruto turned around. Stared for a moment.

And then let out a shameless wolf-whistle.

Ahsoka, who had just made eye contact with her old friend Ayala Secura, slowly turned and shot a frosty look at Naruto.

He turned and grinned unrepentantly at her. "Don't worry, cutie-pie. You're still my number one girl. But _daaamn!_ " He turned and lecherously looked Ayala up and down once more.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Anakin raise his hand to his face to hide his grin, even as the other masters all looked scandalized. She still wasn't sure if Naruto's tomfoolery was a well-crafted pretense designed to make others underestimate him, or if he really was that dense.

Ayala looked at him witheringly, gave him the dismissive snub that women had been giving men since the dawn of civilized society, and turned to his companion with a warm smile. "Ahsoka! Welcome back!"

Ahsoka, who had been pleased to see her friend, immediately lost her momentary cheer. "I'm not back," she said quietly, looking at Ayala with her now-familiar steely gaze.

Ayala's posture visibly dropped. "Oh." Then she turned to Naruto, who had shamelessly followed the movement of her bosom with the change in her posture. "Ah- _hem_! My eyes are up here."

Naruto didn't look away from her bosom at all. "Yes, but your brea- _oof_!" He shot a wounded look at Ahsoka as he rubbed his midsection. "You didn't have to be so violent, cutie-pie."

"I also didn't have to be back at the Jedi Temple, but here we are anyway," Ahsoka said sweetly, but there was no hiding the tinge of bitterness in her voice.

Naruto's seemingly never-ending good cheer faltered for a moment, before his grin returned full force. "But I thought that you told me that the Jedi were all crusty as ever! Look at her! She's clearly using what the Log- err, the Force gave her to her advantage!"

"Excuse me?" Ayala asked dangerously.

"I mean, look at your attire! It's clearly designed to distract others even while you're fighting! That's progress, even if it took almost four thousand years."

"I wear this because it's easy to fight in," Ayala said noticeably coolly.

Naruto tilted his head, as if he found this hard to process. Then another look of comprehension dawned on his face, and Ahsoka seriously considered slapping her hand across his mouth. "Oh! You don't want the crusty oldies to know the real reason!" He then winked exaggeratedly at her. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

Ahsoka wanted to laugh; not because the situation was hilarious, but because it was so highly inappropriate. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Anakin's shoulders shaking as he tried to contain his mirth, and even Master Kenobi was blinking furiously as he fought to keep his expression under control.

"The old crusties also have other matters to attend to, so if you could get back to why we're all waiting," Master Ti spoke again, neither her posture not her voice betraying her true feelings about the buffoonery of the last couple of minutes.

Naruto sighed, "Well, since I'm not getting any ramen, might as well." He shot a hopeful look towards the Council as he turned back to them, but he met a sea of stony faces. Once again he muttered under his breath, but he turned around fully.

"Right, so, Revan. Decent guy. Had a good head on his shoulders. Not someone you wanted as your enemy, sure, but a decent guy nonetheless."

"If I recall correctly, Revan splintered the Jedi Order to fight in a war that the Order refused to participate in, fell to the Dark side and led others to it, and ultimately tried to conquer the very galaxy he had saved," Mace Windu said disparagingly.

"Like I said, not somebody you wanted as your enemy." Naruto smiled darkly, "Besides, there was a lot more to the story than that. The Jedi Order was corrupt, and there was a Sith Invasion brewing from the Unknown Regions. There was only one way to prepare for that, which was to have everyone on the same side… one way or another."

"I disagree."

"You weren't there," Naruto shot back, and that silenced the dark skinned master. "Plus, you never really knew Revan. That dude was something else. It was as if he had been blessed by the Force. He had this… presence about him. Kind of like that dude," Naruto nodded towards Anakin, who looked startled at the sudden attention.

"What do you mean 'presence'?" Kenobi asked, his gut already churning with dread.

"Hmm… how did Kreia put? Oh yeah, ' _Staring into his eyes was like staring into the heart of the Force.'_ That guy teems with the same sort of Forceful presence." He snickered, "Get it? _Force-_ ful presence?"

Nobody smiled.

Naruto rolled his eyes and continued, "Fine. I'll do it the long way. A few years before the start of the Mandalorian Wars, there was a bright young Padawan in the Jedi Academy named Revan. Bursting with potential, he had all the Masters eating out of his hands. They all wanted to teach him, and even as a youngling it was obvious he was going to be exceptional. As he grew, so did the size of his feats. As a Knight, he was easily completing missions that even experienced masters had trouble with."

More than one discreet glance was shot Anakin's way, who politely ignored them. But he couldn't ignore the sudden thrill in the pit of his stomach. He instinctively knew this was the most important thing he was going to hear in his lifetime.

"And then the Mandalorian Wars broke out."

It was almost a carbon copy of the current situation.

"Of course, full of the impetuousness of youth, he wanted to go to war. He wanted to prove himself in the coming conflict.

"But the Jedi refused to get involved."

More than one Master shifted uneasily.

"Revan was confused. It was such a clear and present danger, and the Jedi didn't want to get involved? Wasn't it the entire point of the Jedi Order? To maintain peace in the Republic?"

Ahsoka looked to the ground with a tight face. Every Jedi youngling has asked themselves the same question.

"When the answers Revan received from his Council were… unsatisfactory, he went searching for the truth. What could possibly cause the Jedi to behave this way? He searched every archive, every room, every nook and cranny… and then, deep in the heart of the Temple, he found the old Sith Shrine.

"But someone had found it before him."

A tingle that ran across the back of every Force-sensitive being's neck.

"She has found the room long before him, and understood its secrets. You Jedi would say that was what began her fall… but was fall really the right word?

"Regardless, in a massive ironical twist, it turned out that the person who had found the Shrine was his own Master, named Kreia. And now, she was finally able to teach him everything she couldn't before. She told him the dirty truth about the Order. She opened his eyes and taught him what the Jedi has forbidden. Deep in the corrupted heart of the Jedi Temple, she revealed to him the secrets of the Force. He saw, he learned, and he understood.

"Revan began the counter-attack as soon as he had learned everything his Master could teach him."

Not one of the Masters, or Ayala behind him, could protest that any of this was a lie. The Force was singing with the truth.

"Once he understood that the Jedi Code was fundamentally flawed, he was free of it's shackles. And so he set about turning the galaxy and the Republic into what it should have been from the start."

"Cease your vile propaganda at once!" Master Ki Adi Mundi thundered, his visage alight with a righteous fury. "There is no _dirty truth_ about the Jedi Order, as you put it! We have always been on the side of justice, and the Force itself guides us!"

Naruto tilted his head questioningly. "Then why is the Force making sure you're on the verge of defeat?"

That silenced even the ardent defence of the crustiest of the Jedi Masters.

Naruto smiled his nasty smile once more, "You've all thought it in the deepest and darkest parts of your hearts, haven't you." It wasn't a question. "Why does the Force not show me visions anymore? Why does the Force not guide my movements as it used to? Why is the Dark Side taking over?"

There was pin-drop silence in the Council chamber.

"I'll tell you why: you've never really asked the right question."

"And what is the right question?"

It was Anakin who had asked this; Anakin, whose face was alive as it had never been before, as if he could finally see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Naruto smiled at him; a smile of conspiracy, as if he was sharing a great cosmic joke.

"What is the Force?"

Anakin looked stumped. He blinked and looked at Naruto, who looked back at him seriously, as if he truly meant the question.

"The Force is an energy field that binds all living things in the galaxy…" Anakin said uncertainly, as he realized that the indisputable fact he had known his entire life was somehow lacking.

"Tch," Naruto scoffed. "What is a human being? An organism with two legs, two arms, a head, two eyes, two ears and a nose. What is a Twi'lek? Same as a human, but add in a great curves and lekku from the top of the head," he said as he thumbed towards Ayala behind him. "Technically correct answers, yet they tell you _nothing_ of import. Is this all there is to the vaunted wisdom of the Jedi? A lacking description that only objectifies the subject that they spend their entire lives trying to understand?"

Naruto blinked a couple of times, then started snickering to himself. "Oh man! I can't believe I never thought about it that way before! You guys _actually_ objectify the Force! This is hilarious! And you teach your younglings to do the same thing as well!" Naruto dissolved into a fit of laughter as he held his stomach. "I'll never be able to take a Jedi seriously ever again!"

Even as he laughed, he didn't miss the way every Master was now leaning forward; including Yoda, who was looking at him with wide eyes. On the little green man, it looked comical. Anakin looked desperate; if Naruto didn't stop laughing soon, he was sure the man would snap from the tension. Even Ahsoka next to him was looking at him with awe; and she already knew what he was going to say. He could also feel Ayala's gaze burning into his back.

He finally brought his laughter under control, but a giggle escaped him every now and again. He took a deep breath and finally calmed himself down.

"The Force," he began slowly, still trying to contain his mirth, "is an echo; an echo of every act that ever was and ever will be. Every smile, every grimace; every kind word, every harsh rebuke; every laugh, every cry of pain; every touch of love, every slash of hate; every birth, every death.

The Force is the sum total of every living being's life: past, present and future."

The Force itself told them it was true, by rushing through the room in exultation.

"It is far more than the 'light' and 'dark' you divide it into," Naruto continued quietly.

The Force sang in response.

"The first Jedi were those who truly understood this. But over the millenia, you forgot."

' _Shame on you,'_ went unsaid, but not unheard.

"You fractured into two, and called yourselves the Jedi and the Sith, and set yourselves against each other. But both of you forgot the reason for the split in the first place, and continued a war millenia old for no other reason than you didn't know any better."

"This… you know how?" croaked Master Yoda. He didn't even bother asking if it was true.

Naruto smiled grimly. "It all came out at Malachor. That was where Revan's disciple Meetra decided to change the Jedi forever. But then the explosion happened…"

Even the Force sang a note of sadness at the memory of the event.

Naruto shook his head clear of the memory, and Kenobi leaned forward. "What do you mean when you say the Jedi and Sith were once the same?"

Naruto looked at him blankly for a minute. Then he raised one hand and twisted it into a complicated looking configuration.

A second later, two illusions appeared next to him and Ahsoka, causing gasps to erupt from the Masters.

One of the illusions was of a man with in white robes, with a raised chin and a look of serenity on his face.

The second illusion was of a man in a hooded black robe, and the only part of its face that could be seen was a creepy smile.

One was what a typical Jedi Master looked like.

The other was a stereotypical Sith Lord.

Then they both opened their mouths.

The Jedi illusion said in a strong, clear voice, "Peace is a lie, there is only passion."

The Sith illusion rasped out in a reedy voice, " _There is no emotion, there is peace."_

Every Jedi physically started; hearing the the Sith Code from the Jedi and the Jedi Code from the Sith was extremely jarring.

The Jedi continued, "Through passion, I gain strength."

The Sith continued, " _There is no ignorance, there is knowledge."_

It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. All of the Jedi present were reacting physically; even Ahsoka looked unsettled.

"Through strength, I gain power."

" _There is no passion, there is serenity."_

Ayala had covered her ears, Ahsoka had wrapped her arms around herself, Yoda had closed his eyes; but the illusions continued mercilessly.

"Through power, I gain victory."

" _There is no chaos, there is harmony."_

Anakin looked like he might be sick; Kenobi had clenched his fists as hard as he could; but it wasn't over.

"Through victory, my chains are broken."

" _There is no death, there is the Force."_

Every master was highly disturbed, but the worst was yet to come.

"The Force shall free me."/ " _The Force shall free me."_

Both the illusions finished together, and Kit Fisto nearly retched.

There was a long silence, as everyone digested what they had just seen.

"Both of you are shattered reflections of each other…" Naruto said softly in the aftermath. "Both of you blind to everything but the faults of the other."

All the Jedi felt sick; they could feel the truth of his words.

"Four thousand years… and you have accomplished **nothing**."

None of the Jedi could look the man in the eye; this mercenary who commanded the authority of the Force itself.

"The Sith will win… and they, too, will accomplish nothing.

"And the cycle will continue.

"Over and over again, across millenia, unceasing and unchanging like the stars themselves…"

He waited until the right moment for his words to have the maximum impact.

"Unless you change yourselves."

Every Jedi looked at him then, and he met their gazes evenly. His gaze stayed longest on Anakin, who met it unblinkingly. Anakin nodded, wordlessly accepting the responsibility thrust upon him, and Naruto nodded back.

Then Naruto clapped his hands and grinned. "Well, that went well!"

Ahsoka took a deep breath, feeling her blood rush as if time had stood still while Naruto had powerfully kept everyone's attention.

"My work here is done! Come on cutie-pie, adventure awaits!"

But before Naruto could take more than a single step, Ahsoka's hand shot out and grabbed his. "You can't leave yet!"

"Huh?"

Ahsoka was almost panicking, "You have to do more! This isn't enough!"

"Whaddya mean more? Should I kick their asses so you can get your laugh at them after?"

"PLEASE!"

It was the desperation of her request that finally got through to the tall blond. It wasn't her own desperation, but that of the Force.

He grinned at her. "Only cause you said please."

He removed his hand from her grasp and twisted both his hands this time into another unlikely-looking configuration.

Immediately, a ring encircled the seats of the Jedi Council, and trapped them behind a translucent barrier.

The Jedi Masters all immediately panicked; only Yoda and Anakin kept their cool.

While they were yelling and screaming, Naruto got a silly grin on his face and raised a single hand back into the illusion configuration from before. Immediately, he looked like a Sith Lord of old, complete with pale skin, venomous yellow eyes, a red lightsaber in his hand and long dark hair falling to his waist. "Muahaha!"

Immediately, all Jedi present ignited their own lightsabers and tried to attack the barrier, but they glanced off without doing any noticeable damage.

"I was lying before! I am Darth… err, Orochimaru, and I will Dark Side you! I mean, fell you with the Dark Side... Defeat you! Defeat you with the power of the Dark Side! That's how it goes right?" The last line was said to Ahsoka, who raised one hand to rub her forehead.

"Seriously?"

Darth Orochimaru pouted, and the illusion melted away to show Naruto pouting underneath. "Sorry, I forgot to practice my cliched villainous lines. I promise I'll do better next time."

Ahsoka raised her other hand and buried her face into her palms, groaning the entire time.

Naruto's shoulders dropped.

From behind the barrier, Kenobi asked him from behind the hum of his lightsaber, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because you didn't bring my ramen!" Naruto cried out petulantly.

Then he turned to Ayala, and flicked his hand at the barrier that had effortlessly trapped the Jedi Council. Immediately the sounds inside were muted, though they could still hear what was being said outside.

Ayala was still standing in a defensive posture with her lightsaber ignited, looking frightened.

Naruto looked calmly into her eyes, with no trace of the idiocy he had been involved in a minute ago. "Remember when I said the Force is much more than light and dark? I want you to think about that. Think about the side of the Force you always ignore. Think about the thoughts and feelings that you always 'release' to the light side. Think about them, keep them in the front of your mind."

And despite the fear that she felt at the moment of the man who had effortlessly captured the entire Jedi council with simply raising his hands, Ayala couldn't help but listen.

"All your private, personal thoughts, the ones that the Jedi have told you were wrong; about the pride you feel in your body, about the needs you have as a woman, bring it all to the surface."

It was as if he could see inside of her, and see the dark temptation that she struggled against daily. But surely this was a path to the Dark side? Wasn't that what she had been taught all her life.

Then she looked at Ahsoka, who looked at her with a pained gaze. The woman who the Light had betrayed, and yet who had not fallen to the Dark. The Togrutan nodded slowly, telling her to trust in the strange blond who had travelled through time, space and dimensions to be present at this very moment.

She closed her eyes, and let emotion touch the front of her mind for the first time in a decade.

It sent a jolt of pleasure to her.

"Now let it resonate with the Force… and listen to what it sends back," came the soft voice as it guided her.

She felt the Force surround her. It wasn't the bright blue it usually was, it was a miasma of colours and emotions and lives and feelings and...

"Oh!"

Her diaphragm contracted as she touched… something ethereal.

"Oh!" Another jolt went through her as she felt the Force… caress her as it never had before.

"Oh!" It left her breathless, and feeling _alive_.

"Oh!"

"Err… is she…" Naruto asked softly, his eyes wide. Ahsoka looked surprised at the turn of events as well.

"Oh!"

Ayala's nipples were now clearly prominent against her leather outfit.

"Oh!"

"Oh yeah, she is!" Naruto grinned lecherously, avidly staring at the aroused Twi'lek in front of him.

"Oh!"

Ahsoka looked askance at her friend. _This_ was what the Force had wanted her to do?

"Oh!"

The lightsaber slipped from her grasp, and would have cut her foot in half if it hadn't turned off at exactly the right time.

"Oh!"

Ayala's head and shoulders were thrown back as the tremors went through her body.

"Ohh!"

Her moans were becoming noticeably longer, and the front of Naruto's pants were tenting.

"Ohhh!"

Naruto looked at the free show with a disturbingly perverted leer; and Ahsoka couldn't even fault him for it.

"Ohhh!"

Even Ahsoka wasn't entirely unaffected by the show.

"OHHH!"

Then Ayala began to rise in the air, and let out the longest "OHH" yet as her entire body began to convulse.

Naruto was noticeably swallowing, trying not to drool.

Ahsoka sneaked a peek at the trapped council, who were watching Ayala with different gazes. As soon as they noticed Ahsoka looking, their expressions turned blank; but she had already seen who the closet perverts on the council were.

"Ohh…" Ayala trailed off and slumped as she began to fall through the air. Naruto somehow caught her bridal-style without seeming to move at all.

Naruto stared at the Twi'lek in his arms, grinned and said, "I officially renounce the Log. All praise the Force, for the Force rewards all! Even perverts!"

Not for the first time that day, there was another long silence; although several Council member kept trying to speak.

"Oh, right!" Naruto flicked a hand at them again, and suddenly they could hear the voices of the Council again.

"Release us at once!" Ki Adi Mundi yelled.

"How about… no," Naruto deadpanned.

Before they could mount another verbal assault, Naruto continued, "And I'm not leaving the hottie here either. For all I know, you Jedi will probably do something retarded like the Memory Rub hack job you did to Revan. When she wakes up, I'll explain a few more things to her, then I'll drop her wherever she wants. Cutie-pie will make sure there's no funny business involved, if that's your concern."

Then he turned to them and regarded them seriously once more, the trapped greatest warriors of the age. "I've said my piece to you, and your fate is in your own hands. The barrier will fade in another half an hour or so, so sit tight until then."

Dismissing them entirely, he turned to Ahsoka. "We good to go?"

Ahsoka swallowed, wetting her throat, and nodded as she picked up Ayala's lightsaber.

She turned to Anakin and stared at him for a long moment. He finally smiled and nodded at her, and Ahsoka smiled back at him.

Naruto and Ahsoka walked out from the silent council room, with Ayala still in Naruto's arms.

"Your hands better not stray, Uzumaki."

"Oi! I may be a pervert, but I'm also a gentleman. Something you well know."

"You're also incorrigible."

"Yes, well… umm, I can smell her… womanly scent. Does that count as wandering hands?"

"I have a lightsaber and I know how to use it."

"Ooh, kinky. By the by, do you also look like that when you have an orgasm?"

The sound of a lightsaber igniting filled the corridor.

"Fine...ruin my fun…"

* * *

 **Author's Notes: This has been in my head since August 2016. I'm glad to have it out before the movie later today :)**

 **It's...weird. And funny. I'm not entirely sure if it's crack yet. But yeah, it's supposed to be a climax to another story which was set in KOTOR. I'm not sure I'll ever write that, since I've summarized it pretty neatly here...but it will make a decent story I suppose. I know there's lots of plot inconsistencies here, but what do you expect from a one shot?**

 **Shout out to my shameless beta Glacious! Check out his story: Wood, Paper and Illusion. It's weird to start out with...but if you don't like weird, why the hell are you reading my shit? Go read more weird stuff. WPI gets better the longer it goes on.**

 **So let me know what you guys thought! Of Master Fisting...Fisto. I meant Fisto. Of my take on the nature of the Force? Of Naruto's magical Forceful orgasm inducing ability? Of the Force rewarding perverts? (What a universe that would be...*drools*) Of Darth Orochimaru? Of Ayala's strangely weird yet arousing interaction with the Force? Throw out your words below!**


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